Have iPod. Will dance.

I blame a number of factors, actually. For starters, Lynn wasn't walking with me, which she has done almost every day since this year started. Additionally, I think the purple patent leather pumps made me a little extra sassy. Could also be that today was one of the sunnier mornings we've had in a while.

Whatever the cause, there is just no excuse, I realize this. But here's what ensued, you be the judge:

Scene: Walk to School
Soundtrack: Janet Jackson, "Together Again" REALLY loud on my iPod

Narrative: Oh, Janet Jackson. I love this song. I've loved this song for as long as I can remember. Although... it has sort of a lame beginning. I don't like the slow, wind-chimy, whispy voice, blah, blah, blah.

Ahhhh, there we go. THIS is the part of the song I like. How can you not like this song? The beat is just so -- WOAH! what was that? where did that hip thrust come from?!?! Ok, don't worry, Bagel. No one can see you from in front of you and if there is anyone behind you, maybe they'll just think you slipped in your purple patent leather - Woah, Woah, WOAH! Bagel! You can't thrust your hips like that. People will think you are weird!!! Well, okay maybe you can thrust your hips a LITTLE bit. I mean, you have a backpack on, most people walking behind you can't see because of the bag. Hopefully.

But, NO! No, Bagel, NO! You cannot be that girl, the one who walks around with the stupid grin on her face when there is no discernible reason the people around her can see for her grin. You hate that girl, you cannot and WILL not be that girl. Bite your lip! Bite it now! I don't care if it hurts! I don't care if your lip is slightly bleeding. No one ever got to be a cool kid by smiling like a fool. Hip thrusts are one thing, unabashed foolish grins are something totally different.

Oh holy F! When did the finger pointing start. I look like I want to be in a disco club, but my arms are paralyzed from my shoulder to my palm and all I can do is dance by pointing my finger. Well, and thrusting my hips, but I'm pretty sure no one else will notice that. I hope.

[Insert total brain fart here. I'm pretty sure I just blacked out, and when I came to, I was crooning and lip syncing to the giant, lumbering old man walking ahead of me. "There are times when I feel your arms around me, babe. I'll never forget my babe." Thank GOD this man is giant and lumbering and walking ahead of me and had no idea I even existed.]

[Insert swell of my music]

Janet Jackson: All my love's FOR YOU!
Narrative: Now THAT. IS. IT! Bagel, you are DONE. Turn that iPod off RIGHT. NOW! I stood idly by while you thrusted your hips like a spastic walking seizure case. I even let you sneak out a tiny little grin or two when I thought no one was looking. Heck, I didn't even stop you when you let your fingers dance like maniacs. But I cannot, WILL NOT, allow you to close your eyes and throw your head back and bob your head to the beat! Who are you?!?!

You are a girl who is going to learn how to use her iPod appropriately, that's who. And until that time, you are going to turn your iPod off and walk the rest of the way in silence. That's what girls like you deserve.



Lynn, please come home! I can't be trusted to even walk to school by myself!!!